Tuesday, June 3, 2008

heart's cry

You say if I love You, I will obey You.
You say if I abide in You, I will bear fruit. Lots of it.
You say to love others as You love me.

But, Lord, I can't. I try, and in some of my best moments I succeed, but when the storms overwhelm me, even when my eyes are on you and I cry out for help, I sink beneath the waves. I feel my patience run low, I recognize that I'm at the end of responding with gentleness, and I look to You, implore You to fill me with more of what I don't have, but the next whine, the next sharp wail of protest from an angry boy snaps me. I want to do what's right, but it's not in me. I sink in despair at my own incapacity to obey You.

I long to see fruit. Tangible evidence that I'm Your child, that my life is not being wasted, that You can use me. Teach me what it means to abide in You, to stay connected to the vine.

Show me how to draw on Your strength and power, to respond with Your Spirit, rather than
tripping and falling in my weak, inadequate determination to do right.


Amy said...

I resonate with that! It often seems that the times I feel like I'm growing the most are also the times when the temptation is strongest. Be encouraged - growth spurts hurt!

Anonymous said...

I nearly teared up at this blog! I so often feel the same way! I had no idea you struggle with this too. I'm sure it is not as often as I do or will when I have kids. But really? You mean I'm not alone in this??
Thank you for being willing to be so open and real. You're in my prayers. Thank you,
your DLS

Nina said...

Amen sister. I used to have a recurring daydream. My girls are grown and we're reminiscing about when they were little. Out loud, I remember yelling at them for some trivial thing that at the time, seemed colossal in nature. They look at each other quizzically, and then back at me. "No way," they say. "You used to yell?"
I haven't had that daydream in a while, since they've passed the age where they wouldn't remember me yelling, even if I stopped today :(. Still, they're young enough that maybe it would be a rather vague memory if I stopped today :). Oh Lord, please help us, we have such good intentions!