Sincerely thankful...

161. Christopher Robin's flushed cheeks and eyes wide, concentrating, bright mind learning to scheme as he nears the end of our Spy Alley game, keeps his identity secret, and lands on the winning space.

162. Winter days with nowhere to be, time to fill with imaginations, relaxed hours of play for the three little ones, time to organize and clean and create and read for me.

163. Simplicity of steady crocheting, hands busy while mind is free to meditate, or soar, or be filled.

164. As we know Jesus better, his divine power gives us everything we need for living a godly life. He calls us to receive his own glory and goodness. II Peter 1:3

It doesn't feel possible, but He assures.

165. Ice cream after supper for any boy who keeps his lips from whining all day long. Home is becoming a happier place.

166. Little eyes locking mine, intensely arguing her case in words I have not learned yet to understand.

167. Warm thankfulness flooding through me when I hear an unhappy wail from the kids' room. That little one is alive and healthy, and I can go in and hug them close, then live my days with them.

168. Routine becomes expected, and home philosophy embraced. "Work before play." Whines and protests fade as normal sets in and the simple principle is adopted willingly by oldest boy. "Work before play," he reminds our 3 year old.

169. Conversations with friends that linger, feeding my mind with new thoughts, my spirit with prayer for others' situations, my soul with warmth of being close to someone.

170. Grandmother across the street dropping in for a visit. The dream of living near enough for that is finally realised.

171. Golden sunbeams gilding our ordinary living room for half an hour each late afternoon. Boys stumble out from naptime to cozy afternoon glow.

172. Daily donning of old winter jacket and boots and work gloves, short treck to the woodpile to fill the wood box ensures that I enter the winter landscape outside at least briefly every day.

173. Tallest boy keeps growing taller...bags of hand-me-downs re-explored to fill drawers again with clothes that reach to ends of wrists.

174. Pre-worn clothes passed along from friends to our family that help keep children clothed (well!) without heavy expense.

Because I'm not poor.

"Poverty in youth, when it succeeds, is so far magnificent that it turns the
whole will towards effort, and the whole soul towards aspiration. Poverty
strips the material life entirely bare, and makes it hideous; thence arise
inexpressible yearnings towards the ideal life. The rich young man has a
hundred brilliant and coarse amusements, racing, hunting, dogs, cigars, gaming,
feasting, and the rest; busying the lower portions of the soul at the expense of
its higher and delicate portions. The poor young man must work for his
bread; he eats; when he has eaten, he has nothing more but reverie. He
goes free to the play which God gives; he beholds the sky, space, the stars,
the flowers, the children, the humanity in which he suffers, the creation
in which he shines. He looks at humanity so much that he sees the soul, he
looks at creation so much that he sees God." -Victor Hugo, Les Miserables

I know poverty does not always have such happy results, but the idea that a life closed to trivial amusements ends up a simpler, better life rings true to me. Should I lament that my life is full of good things and endless opportunity? I don't. But I am discovering that if I truly want to be devoted to Christ and to hunger and thirst for Him, I have to stop filling myself with other things. When I have Christ, I need very little else.

It truly would be far easier to choose Christ if I didn't have so many other temptations luring my attention away every moment. Since God has given me far more than I need, my work is to focus my eyes on Him, and following his example, begin pouring out all this good in love to others.

Rethinking the Rethinking

It's not a matter of making up my mind to do something. It's not gritting my teeth and setting my jaw and determining that I will do better. It's not battling fiercely against the selfishness, the laziness, the self justification, the endless pitfalls that foil my attempts to live life well.

Success doesn't come from me.

Ann's quiet voice reminds me that setting goals and making up my mind to do well will not bring success. It's not a matter of willpower.

A thousand times I've told myself, "I simply must try harder." Try
harder to be more organized, try harder to educate our children better, try
harder to be more after God's heart.
But I know it: trying harder only results in harder trials.
Self-striving nurtures self-hatred. Toiling in the flesh produces
foiling in the soul.
Looking back on the trail tromped through other years, I can see that to
forge new tracks across this year will need more than simply sheer effort,
gritty determination.

Past experience has already taught me this. How many times have I sunk to the floor in despair, defeated. Loft goals hoisted bravely onto my back at the beginning of the day only end up exposing my weakness, crushing me into the dust before the day is half done. How can I live this life You call me to live, God, when every brave attempt ends in failure?

The answer? Christ doesn't call us to try harder. "Martha, Martha, you're worried and upset over all these details. There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her." Mary sat at the Lord's feet, listening to what he taught.

Christ calls us to surrender. To take our lofty goals and our agendas and our hopes and dreams and give them all to Him. Let Him rearrange them and prioritize them. Our call is to listen to Him, and match our hearts to His. Listen to Him until we start wanting what He wants more than anything else. To give up all the good things we have always planned to fill our lives with, and fill ourselves with Him instead.

Some of the things I hope for this year might come to pass. But not because I'm so strong and self-disciplined and wise. His Spirit is the wind beneath my wings, and the power to make things happen belongs to Him. My job is to spread myself in surrender, and let Him carry me in His direction towards all the good He promises to those who follow Him.

The first step towards my ambitious goals for this year is to place myself, my ambitions, my dreams and goals, on the alter. To replace my passions with His passions, and then soar with His strength and power.

Rethinking

As Christmas festivities wind down, I gear up for the new year, for these next few months of winter, and I'm full of ambition. I want to continue teaching the boys, and more firmly establish habits of reading scripture at mealtimes and memorizing scripture together. I want to fill our lives with music...from CD's, and learning to play on the piano. I want to read to them...library books and favorites from our shelves and new chapter books. I want to read my own books... so many books, and a shelf of new ones from Christmas. I want to crochet in front of my new old favorite movies, and I want to find new simple ways for my boys to fill their time learning to create...build things, and embroider, and paint, and draw. I want to blog again, so I puzzle to find where to fit it into my days without giving up the time I've devoted to reading large amounts of scripture and daily exercise. I look at all I want to do and my daily schedule is bulging. And I haven't mentioned the daily cooking and cleaning and laundry that consume so much time and yet are so important because all the rest of life suffers without order and cleanliness and the discipline of keeping things clean and put away. There is so much good, so much richness in this life around us, and yet the happiest lives are lived simply, I think. My own days are best when I have a small to do list and room for spontaneous play and time to spend with the kids when they ask for my help.
Today my agenda is fairly simple:

• shovel snow
• take a trip to the dump and the library (Buster Bear is finished, and we need a new book for naptime)
• undecorate from Christmas

These next few days will involve praying for wisdom, evaluating our activities, and weeding out the good to make room for the best things.

Scheming Christmas

Inspired by reading scripture, understanding Jesus' call to his followers to deny themselves, take up their crosses, and follow Him, that

Pure and lasting religion in the sight of God our Father means that we must care for orphans and widows in their troubles, and refuse to let the world corrupt us. James 1:27 NLT

and also through the influence of organizations like Advent Conspiracy, World Vision, Samaritan's Purse, etc., I'm working at making Christmas, at least for our family, more about giving gifts to Jesus, and making the gifts we give each other as thoughtful and full of love as possible, and less about spending money. We haven't cut back our Christmas budget this year, but my goal is to have a significant surplus after all the Christmas gifts are done, and to gift that extra to people around the world that have such serious needs that we could help meet. Advent Conspiracy's promo video is inspiring. Their theme is this: Worship Fully. Spend Less. Give More. Love All. This new approach to Christmas requires more planning and thought.
Which leads me to the other change I have made this Christmas. I've already started my Christmas. And I have a plan. I listened to Marcia Ramsland last year on Midday Connection talk about simplifying the holidays, and a notebook she sells to organize and plan the Christmas season starting November 1st. I didn't buy the notebook, but I'm following the plan this year, which means getting all the gifts done in the first 3 weeks of November. This leaves the end of the month for decorating and the month of December for the best parts of Christmas... parties and cookies and acts of love towards others, celebrating the advent with stories about Christ, Christmas carols, evenings together as a family in the cozy light of the Christmas tree. I have to say, shopping in early November really does beat the crowds; My Hero and I were in the city yesterday and found front row parking in three different places. And I don't need to worry about the department stores being stocked for Christmas; they start pulling out the lights and decorations in September before the leave change their color.
I can't wait to have the gift shopping/planning/making behind me. I'm envisioning a peaceful December with time to spare to focus on others, and even though I tend to be more optimistic about how things will turn out than experience would dictate, I can't see how getting an early start could do anything but help.

Lead like a great conductor

A few days ago I listened to Itay Talgam's talk, Lead like the great conductors. He shows different leadership styles with clips of famous orchestra conductors, explaining differences in their philosophies that influenced how each one directed their symphony. His metaphor of leadership as a symphony conductor resonates with me, especially combined with Ann's metaphor of forming habits to make a rhythmic, flowing symphony of our daily lives.

The first clip he shows is Carlos Kleiber directing the Vienna Philharmonic with energy, flair, and obvious joy. The audience is clapping along, and the whole orchestra appear to be enjoying themselves.

In the next clip he shows Riccardo Muti, whose style of conducting is quite different. Muti leads with stern passion, demanding excellence from the musicians. He shows another conductor who offers no expression at all, his face bland, a look of boredom on his face. His philosophy is to play the music exactly as it is written, carefully fulfill what is prescribed with no deviations. Then he shows a clip of Herbert Von Karajan, a famous conductor whose philosophy was to lead as little as possible, giving ultimate opportunity of expression and individuality to his orchestra. Talgam explains that Karajan's orchestra stayed together by following each other rather than their conductor, and that by offering such vague leadership he was in essence demanding them to read his mind, in reality a formidable form of control. He returns, at the end of his talk, to Carlos Kleiber leading an orchestra. Kleiber's motions are energetic and clear, but with joy, rather than threatening, and he allows, actually seems to inspire, an unusual depth of expression from the orchestra.

Now I wonder, how do I become a mother who inspires excellence, allows freedom of expression while keeping behavior in check, leads clearly and firmly but with joy? My natural tendency matches Muti's rigid intensity, feeling such a sense of responsibility that I dare not relax. I fear the opposite leadership style, Karajan's, as a path to chaos, discord, even anarchy. I have long struggled to find the balance that Kleiber achieves so well. It's struggle for the elusive, but now I have a mental picture of what it looks like. I still don't know exactly how to be the mother that leads with joy and inspires greatness, but this image in my mind gives me something to aim for, and may well be more helpful than any how-to book on the subject.

The Truth

With the help of the wii fit, purchased at the end of last December, I have lost over 15 pounds. It wasn't the exercise that made the difference...I'd been exercising daily for two years. The wii fit offers a "body test" every day, a daily weigh-in. Suddenly I could see how snacking before bed caused my weight to be higher the very next morning, while going to bed slightly hungry made it go down. And even though my weight fluctuates, sometimes up, sometimes down, I can see the graph that tracks where I started to where I am now, and the steady curve downward lets me see the progress, even on mornings when my weight is up.
The wii fit shone a bright light on my dark and mysterious body weight. The truth is, I had been in denial for a long time about how my little food choices were making a difference long term. A few cookies here and there really are perfectly acceptable, so I had developed habits of indulgence and told myself not to worry about it. My Hero and I used to sometimes get angry at the wii fit when our weight would shift up. "Come on! It was only a pizza! It shouldn't matter that much!" I think I accepted before he did that the wii fit scale really was an impartial judge that simply told us the truth every day, not some technology wired to frustrate and manipulate.
And now we'll both tell you, I 15 lbs. lighter and he 35, that it was incredibly easy to lose the weight. You don't have to starve yourself or give up your favorite foods. You can even indulge sometimes. You just have to consistently eat fewer calories than your body uses each day. It wasn't hard, but it did take a while, and the progress was so slow, and so fluctuating, that having a graph of our progress so we could see it made all the difference.
I've been wishing I had a spiritual wii fit. Oh, for some impartial, unbiased feedback every day! And a graph to show me how much closer to Jesus or further away I'm growing. It's so easy to be in denial about how I'm really doing, and the less I worry about it, the more comfortable I feel with where I am.
Lately I've been reading scripture a lot. And it has been shining a light on my dark, sloppy, overweight soul. It doesn't graph my progress, but it sure does give me a better look at how I live compared to how Jesus calls me to live. He says some hard things, challenges too big for me to rise to without His help. His Word has been shaking the denial out of me, and giving me a humility that begs God to show me how to live differently.

Those who love their life in this world will lose it. Those who despise their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. John 12:25 NLT