Another good day in February

185. As we know Jesus better his divine power gives us everything we need for living a godly life. II Peter 1:3 Such as thankfulness to transform a grumpy, self-pitying mother and thereby redeem the day before it even starts. Yesterday was a good day, and the glory belongs to Jesus.

186. Sap buckets are hung, ready to collect maple nectar as days begin to warm.

187. Sweet baby girl's mouth pursed in concentration as she aims a single finger towards my nose, then opens her small hand and presses palm to my lips when I say "nose, mouth..."

188. Five year old boy laughing to himself because of a phrase come to his mind from The Adventures of Sammy Jay, our naptime chapter book.

189. Full night of rest, uninterrupted.

190. Chocolate Swirl Banana Cake

191. Mashed banana with a few sprinkles secretly substituted for ice cream when sick baby girl sees brothers hovered over bowls of her favorite dessert. She licks her bowl clean, too.

192. Oatmeal with blueberries for breakfast.

193. Peanut Butter's blue eyes and earnest expression as he explains his understanding of things.

194. Photos waiting to be put into albums. Albums to be flipped through and browsed and absorbed as we remember these fleeting days.

195. Farm fresh eggs again, delivered right to my door. The hens have resumed their laying at my parents' place, and my kitchen rejoices.

196. Another day of surrendered plans, waiting to see what circumstances bring, focussing only on the things that matter most, with a few projects fitting into the cracks as the opportunities come.

Antidote to self pity after a rough night with sleepless baby girl

175. Warm chai, ever the drink of comfort.

176. Deep purples and turquois of predawn sky.

177. I can slow. No pressing agenda forcing me to rush through the day. I can relax, let go of things, refuse to allow stress or bad attitudes to reign in me.

178. Jesus. In my weakness you are glorified. If you turn the day into good, all the glory, always, belongs to you.

179. Husband long miles away, out of reach of unrealistic expectations, safe from my tendency in these hard days to lean heavily and then layer on most of the blame.

180. Sap buckets hanging in the woods, ready. Just a few. More today? Only if circumstances allow...

181. Christopher Robin can READ! Not just stumble over small words, but pick up a book and expressively read the story. Sometimes I take it for granted, and then it hits me new again. It's a precious gift, this natural ability in my son. I think God smiled the way indulgent fathers do when picking out a special gift for one of their children, when he put that into my firstborn son, knowing how much it would mean to me.

182. Library day.

183. Project taking shape, a handmade something for darling neice who turns one this month.

184. "But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." Gal. 5:22-23

February Evenings

Winter days can be long. Stuck indoors when the cold wind bites soft little cheeks and reddens tender noses. Days made longer when Daddy's days at work get him out of the house before little ones are out of bed, and home again after they're down for the night. No one to interrupt the day with "Daddy's home!!" and a half-hour of romping and growling and laughter and squeals. Evenings can feel daunting, the question, "Mom, what do you want to do with me now?" coming, coming again, challenging. Can I fill the time with creativity, warmth, fun? Energy dwindles, but my eyes quickly scan the list of ideas on the side of the fridge. This is precious time. Three little ones...the simplest things entertain. They really just want time together. Attention, touch, ideas to think about.

Tonight began with a recent favorite: flashlight hide-and-seek. The house goes dark (maybe a night light here or there), the seeker holds flashlight in lap while the hiders find dark corners and shout their readiness. Then, before seeker has a chance to wonder where they are, hider is squealing, "Help me! Help me!" from the hiding spot. The game moves fast when players are 5 and 3 years old.

When the game wore down, I dug out needle and thread and mended baby girl's favorite shoe broken by 5 year old boy's long foot. As I stitched, 5 year old boy gathered library books for a final reading before our trip for more tomorrow morning. First a few rounds of Raindrop's new favorite games, the classic ball with shapes. She doesn't ever seem to tire of it.

I let boys "help" make bread...when I do, it helps me appreciate the next times without their involvement. I had started to take those times for granted.

Other ideas from my list on the fridge of things to do together:

• make cookies
• make Thank You cards (paper, pictures cut from magazines, glue sticks, scissors, tape... not exactly a dreaded chore...)
  
• finger knitting (make a simple chain with fingers and yarn...hasn't caught on yet, but I'll keep trying)
  
• paint (watercolors)
  
• read new magazine (Christopher Robin gets Clubhouse Jr., Peanut Butter gets Your Big Backyard, thoughtful gifts from my sister to her nephews)
  
• sing songs
  
• write a letter (both boys enthusiastically draw pictures so they can put them in envelopes and put stamps on them to send in the mail to people who matter to them)
  
• take walk along snowmobile trail (a daytime, not evening, activity, since evenings are dark. Involves this mama pulling three young ones in a sled through the woods...a lovely adventure when the weather is kind and the snow is firm.)
  
• do puzzles...this used to be a problem time; boys on stools at the kitchen island, 100 piece puzzles safely out of reach of baby sister's intentional trouble-making, baby sister below or in my arms, loudly discontent to be left out. Last time was better. I pulled out one of her small wooden puzzles and set her in a chair on the other side of the island. I alternated helping each of them with their puzzles, and thereby maintained a relative peace and happiness throughout.

Other ideas? I would welcome them.

Sincerely thankful...

161. Christopher Robin's flushed cheeks and eyes wide, concentrating, bright mind learning to scheme as he nears the end of our Spy Alley game, keeps his identity secret, and lands on the winning space.

162. Winter days with nowhere to be, time to fill with imaginations, relaxed hours of play for the three little ones, time to organize and clean and create and read for me.

163. Simplicity of steady crocheting, hands busy while mind is free to meditate, or soar, or be filled.

164. As we know Jesus better, his divine power gives us everything we need for living a godly life. He calls us to receive his own glory and goodness. II Peter 1:3

It doesn't feel possible, but He assures.

165. Ice cream after supper for any boy who keeps his lips from whining all day long. Home is becoming a happier place.

166. Little eyes locking mine, intensely arguing her case in words I have not learned yet to understand.

167. Warm thankfulness flooding through me when I hear an unhappy wail from the kids' room. That little one is alive and healthy, and I can go in and hug them close, then live my days with them.

168. Routine becomes expected, and home philosophy embraced. "Work before play." Whines and protests fade as normal sets in and the simple principle is adopted willingly by oldest boy. "Work before play," he reminds our 3 year old.

169. Conversations with friends that linger, feeding my mind with new thoughts, my spirit with prayer for others' situations, my soul with warmth of being close to someone.

170. Grandmother across the street dropping in for a visit. The dream of living near enough for that is finally realised.

171. Golden sunbeams gilding our ordinary living room for half an hour each late afternoon. Boys stumble out from naptime to cozy afternoon glow.

172. Daily donning of old winter jacket and boots and work gloves, short treck to the woodpile to fill the wood box ensures that I enter the winter landscape outside at least briefly every day.

173. Tallest boy keeps growing taller...bags of hand-me-downs re-explored to fill drawers again with clothes that reach to ends of wrists.

174. Pre-worn clothes passed along from friends to our family that help keep children clothed (well!) without heavy expense.

Because I'm not poor.

"Poverty in youth, when it succeeds, is so far magnificent that it turns the
whole will towards effort, and the whole soul towards aspiration. Poverty
strips the material life entirely bare, and makes it hideous; thence arise
inexpressible yearnings towards the ideal life. The rich young man has a
hundred brilliant and coarse amusements, racing, hunting, dogs, cigars, gaming,
feasting, and the rest; busying the lower portions of the soul at the expense of
its higher and delicate portions. The poor young man must work for his
bread; he eats; when he has eaten, he has nothing more but reverie. He
goes free to the play which God gives; he beholds the sky, space, the stars,
the flowers, the children, the humanity in which he suffers, the creation
in which he shines. He looks at humanity so much that he sees the soul, he
looks at creation so much that he sees God." -Victor Hugo, Les Miserables

I know poverty does not always have such happy results, but the idea that a life closed to trivial amusements ends up a simpler, better life rings true to me. Should I lament that my life is full of good things and endless opportunity? I don't. But I am discovering that if I truly want to be devoted to Christ and to hunger and thirst for Him, I have to stop filling myself with other things. When I have Christ, I need very little else.

It truly would be far easier to choose Christ if I didn't have so many other temptations luring my attention away every moment. Since God has given me far more than I need, my work is to focus my eyes on Him, and following his example, begin pouring out all this good in love to others.

Rethinking the Rethinking

It's not a matter of making up my mind to do something. It's not gritting my teeth and setting my jaw and determining that I will do better. It's not battling fiercely against the selfishness, the laziness, the self justification, the endless pitfalls that foil my attempts to live life well.

Success doesn't come from me.

Ann's quiet voice reminds me that setting goals and making up my mind to do well will not bring success. It's not a matter of willpower.

A thousand times I've told myself, "I simply must try harder." Try
harder to be more organized, try harder to educate our children better, try
harder to be more after God's heart.
But I know it: trying harder only results in harder trials.
Self-striving nurtures self-hatred. Toiling in the flesh produces
foiling in the soul.
Looking back on the trail tromped through other years, I can see that to
forge new tracks across this year will need more than simply sheer effort,
gritty determination.

Past experience has already taught me this. How many times have I sunk to the floor in despair, defeated. Loft goals hoisted bravely onto my back at the beginning of the day only end up exposing my weakness, crushing me into the dust before the day is half done. How can I live this life You call me to live, God, when every brave attempt ends in failure?

The answer? Christ doesn't call us to try harder. "Martha, Martha, you're worried and upset over all these details. There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her." Mary sat at the Lord's feet, listening to what he taught.

Christ calls us to surrender. To take our lofty goals and our agendas and our hopes and dreams and give them all to Him. Let Him rearrange them and prioritize them. Our call is to listen to Him, and match our hearts to His. Listen to Him until we start wanting what He wants more than anything else. To give up all the good things we have always planned to fill our lives with, and fill ourselves with Him instead.

Some of the things I hope for this year might come to pass. But not because I'm so strong and self-disciplined and wise. His Spirit is the wind beneath my wings, and the power to make things happen belongs to Him. My job is to spread myself in surrender, and let Him carry me in His direction towards all the good He promises to those who follow Him.

The first step towards my ambitious goals for this year is to place myself, my ambitions, my dreams and goals, on the alter. To replace my passions with His passions, and then soar with His strength and power.

Rethinking

As Christmas festivities wind down, I gear up for the new year, for these next few months of winter, and I'm full of ambition. I want to continue teaching the boys, and more firmly establish habits of reading scripture at mealtimes and memorizing scripture together. I want to fill our lives with music...from CD's, and learning to play on the piano. I want to read to them...library books and favorites from our shelves and new chapter books. I want to read my own books... so many books, and a shelf of new ones from Christmas. I want to crochet in front of my new old favorite movies, and I want to find new simple ways for my boys to fill their time learning to create...build things, and embroider, and paint, and draw. I want to blog again, so I puzzle to find where to fit it into my days without giving up the time I've devoted to reading large amounts of scripture and daily exercise. I look at all I want to do and my daily schedule is bulging. And I haven't mentioned the daily cooking and cleaning and laundry that consume so much time and yet are so important because all the rest of life suffers without order and cleanliness and the discipline of keeping things clean and put away. There is so much good, so much richness in this life around us, and yet the happiest lives are lived simply, I think. My own days are best when I have a small to do list and room for spontaneous play and time to spend with the kids when they ask for my help.
Today my agenda is fairly simple:

• shovel snow
• take a trip to the dump and the library (Buster Bear is finished, and we need a new book for naptime)
• undecorate from Christmas

These next few days will involve praying for wisdom, evaluating our activities, and weeding out the good to make room for the best things.